I've Met Tears, That Don't Cure a Thing

I couldn't see a thing. the tears were flowing cascades down my cheeks. They rolled down my neck, telling stories as they rested on my breasts. I couldn't tell you my name. I was incapable of walking, of talking, of eating, of anything that is required for survival.


Weakness came knocking on my door, and I opened for her, with a jolly smile on my face, and a plate of food, asking her to stay.

Thousands of unanswered phone calls, messages gone with no reply, a door that remained locked, and a house with no sun.

Time was nonexistent, my best attempt at it was a good night at the singing birds. To wake, to silence, to empty.

I laid on the damp bed, I hated it, I threw punches, I ripped her where I thought her heart lay, but I loved her.
I loved her because she held me, and she caught my tears, denying them to go pass her grip.
I hated her. As she swallowed me, and everything I thought I was,
I hated her because she didn't understand me, she didn't feel my pain
I attempted to hurt her again, repeatedly striking her with the wet pillows.
She simply proceeded with swallowing me

sinking

sinking

sinking

slowly

slowly

slowly

I never did wander about making it stop, I merely accepted it. This was pain. Today was here, in this bed.
Maybe if I could back to yesterday, and fix everything, if only I could bring him back, ask him how he was doing. This was it, the stillness, the quiet, the darkness would take me back to yesterday, and I could then speak to him. Why Why Why, I thought this was love
Don't you understand that life is a gift, and this is what we've been waiting for? I spoke to him in that room. I know I did.

I felt a pain so intense, I grabbed at my chest, again and again. He was there. He wanted me to understand.
I can't. I can't fucking understand and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you when you needed me the most.
I, how, the fuck do I do. I rambled in his face, I just couldn't find the words. I just wanted it to go away.
I wanted to wake up, and laugh it off because everything was okay.
I pinched myself. Like I had seen in the movies. I screamed out to whoever was watching over me, I begged them to shake me,
to please scare this night time terror away. But it didn't happen. Nothing happened.

That's exactly what I felt. Nothing. Just me and tears, and pain, and sorrow, and a friend who robbed me of his laugh.
He wanted my company, and I wanted his. But our worlds were like the land and the sea. I couldn't breath, he would soon die in mines.
He slowly crawled away. So very slowly....

I tried getting up then. I fell on my knees, busted my nose, and my hands began to shake.
It felt like a movie without a script. I felt lost and didn't find relieve in anything else but those same tears.

I cried

I cried

I cried

I cried in silence, I cried as I prayed, I cried as I layed on that bed, I cried as I screamed towards heaven, I tried searching for answers in myself, but found nothing. I knew I would find nothing, until I built that inner strength, of telling myself , Get up.

I used everything I knew, everything I was, to bring myself up,
and I told myself, that I knew this was it.

I got up that day.

I got up, and I opened the door.
It wasn't easy, but it got easier.

Cry, because it is okay.
But don't let it dominate you.
Be strong, there's no other choice.

Lullaby Daddy (Let me Sing For You)

I told him, Daddy Don't you cry

believe when I say that
Everything will be alright

I fell to my knees
at the sight of his tears
lost control of myself
and wanted to fight this battle
fight along his side
Win this war

I fell, hopeless as I cradled his pain,
in the curves of my arms
I fell, useless as he fought something
I never tasted

There is no better way to help than with love,
there is no better reassurance because along
with my sister, brother, sister, brother
Daddy was given the best of weapons to fight

A reason

Making him a warrior
Making him a hero

We are your reason Daddy,
As you are ours.

Be a Part of Who I Am

See I would never be selfish enough to ask you for the world, that's not what I want from you,
the world is out there for me take into my own hands, by myself.
I'm not here to ask you to sweep me off my feet, at 150 very heavy pounds
I simply couldn't do it.

I
just want you to be my friend.

Be here when I need someone to confide in,
when the clock hits 3 AM, and my dreams and desires won't let me sleep

I want you to dream with me.
Just be that ear on the other side of the phone line.

I am complete, and I know this.
I know that I am my best friend, and that only I can make things happen for me.
I know that noone could ever know me as well as I know myself,
but why don't you give it a try?
If you can't be a part of me, why not be a part of who I am.
Allow me to share myself, with you. Allow my doors to open, and read.

I have been hurt before, and so I want you to understand when I say, I know.
I don't expect you to trust me, I don't expect you to want the same things I want,
and no, I don't want your heart. There's a healing process that doesn't work overnight,
or even months, and this I know my friend.

I am not asking you to hand yourself over to me.
I understand, but I want you to be my friend.

Am I taking desperate measures to catch your attention?
Am I asking for too much whenI ask for your friendship?
I understand one thing with love, and its that
to find those sweet candy-tasting times, we must take our chances.
To feel the cloud 9 kind of high, we must let go of the past.

I will not promise that things won't flip upside down someday,
that maybe one day we'll be in love, that maybe one day I'll be the next one to break your heart,
but I want to take that chance.

I want to take that chance at the sweet taste of your love, and your mind,
because noone knows about tomorrow, until tomorrow has come, so come sit besides me, be my companion
And know that no matter what happens, we will always be friends.

Note on Love (of course)

Original date: Sat Aug. 21, 2010

For a while, too long of a while I lost site of what it felt to like someone.
And during that long while I also forgot everything I deserved as a person.
I am very self concious. I wake up on some days, and feel as though,
everything that hasn't gone right in my life, is my fault.
What did I do wrong here? What did I do wrong there?
Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place? Maybe I'm meant to fuck up?
Like him, and her, and them.

And all it took was a simple reminder today. A simple reminder.
A simple reminder of genuinely liking someone to understand it all, once again.
To understand such a simple concept, that has been lost for far too long.
Spending time. Enjoying someone else's company.
Someone who can make you laugh, and give you butterflies.
Someone who you can sit and tell stories, you don't tell anyone else.
Someone who enjoys your attention, and your company
And not just sit with you for a couple of hours in hopes to get in your pants right after.

And don't get me wrong, I am definately not a mind reader.
And I am not an expert at reading guys.
Who knows, the whole time he looked me in the eyes
he could've been trying to picture me naked, staring up at him.
But my point is, that I felt something I haven't felt in a while.
In a long while.

I have felt so hopeless sometimes
that I go on dates with guys who I am not even attracted to.
And yes, I know I am young, I'm looking at this all wrong.
But it is human nature to want attention from the opposite sex.
It is human nature to want to give, and receive nurture.
I simply, had noone to give or receive.
Therefore, settled for less.
Settled for no butterflies,
for fake laughs
and no peace
inside.

Today doors opened for me.
These doors were covered in cobwebs, and dirt.
Much more than a simply paper towel could handle.
I felt something I felt before, something that I thought
could only be felt once, and thought it was limited to childhood.

It's not about finding a perfect person you know.
It's not about finding someone who fits your hand like a glove.
It's not finding someone who is like you.

It's finding someone who enjoys you, as much as you enjoy them.
Someone who sees you as beaufitul, right after you wake up.
Before the showers, before the make-up, before the expensive clothes.
Someone who loves you, before they have been in bed with you.
And yes, I learned, no sex before tying the knot,
is like buying a toy, without trying it out.
But I'm only referring to dating at the moment.

Sometimes people get really lucky, and meet their soul mates.
There will be no question, anywhere in your mind when you meet him/her.
But your soul mate, isn't always your one.
Sometimes your soul mate comes in, and comes out, the same way.
Maybe for a long period of time, sometimes, we're not so lucky.

We take this, and be smart about it.
We take what we learned, and we put it to play.

For those who have been in love once,
and don't know how the Hell, youre gonna get up.
It'll come along, trust me ;)

Be patient.

And for my wonderful companion of the day,
You gave me butterflies, today couldn't have been anymore perfect.
Thank you so much xoxoxo
(inspiration, from "Juno" the movie, and "Eat Pray Love" the book, and of course, my date)

Love without Boobs

She cried herself to sleep that night, but who would understand
Could you look her in the eyes, would you somehow just, begin?
Underneath her sundress, same dress she wore that morning.
There they sat, innocent, oblivious. It came with no warning.

The tears dwelled in her eyes, as she regretted her every wish,
It seemed to her like nothing but an experiment in a Petri dish.
Mom says tomorrow, it will be alright, but her scars, say otherwise
A curse handed down; a million lies, used as their disguise.

She thought back to last week, Aaron stared at her from across the room
She felt herself growing weak, he'll be asking for my number real soon.
She turned away, but wasn't mistaken as she saw his figure from the corner of her eye
A million thoughts rushed through her head that day; felt something between her thighs.

Less than twenty minutes later, that same girl sat in the girls restroom stall,
She cried asking God to please make it all go away. She was his thrall.
It didn’t take long, no, no. God granted her wish, he did the best that he could.
The nightmare began here; down on her knees wishing she somehow misunderstood.

Mammograms on day one, an ultrasound the next, a CT scan here, PET scan to be sure
The minutes went by ever so slowly, crawling and biting at her skin, everything a blur.
The word mastectomy rang in her head like the bells of a church, the hour has struck
They spoke to mama, about therapy, about time, about love, who gives a fuck!

Maybe I should’ve told Aaron, I am a proud owner of a DD, taking a look down
My nipples sort of remind me of your puppies’ nose; small, and brown.
Did you want to touch them, here and now? We could take a quick break from class
Like I told you, I am proud… I am happy…of them, my breasts, before they were broken like glass

Ilusion de Un Beso

Foreword: When I thought of this poem, everything came to me in spanish, so when I sat down to write it, I started to translate all my words into English. I began to write, "Illusion of a Kiss" and it just didn't sound right. I have decided to leave it in spanish. I will try and give the best translation I can, but I guarantee you, it is so much yummier in spanish. ENJOY!
Ilusion de un Beso

Antes de amarte,
pense en besarte.

Me soñe esa noche
en tantas maravillas,
me hice tantas ilusiones

La mas bella,
siendo, tus labios.

Me ilucione
tus manos sobre mi cuerpo,
la derecha sobre la piel
de mi cadera izquierda
la izquierda sosteniendo tu peso contra la pared.

Me contaste un cuento, una historia
de cuando, hace años te enamoraste
pero al encontrar que estabas solo,
le corriste al amor, al compromise, y a la lealtad.

Me pediste que no te uyera
que te habias dado cuenta
que las cosas, pasan por alguna razon
y el destino, te habia traido aqui, al lado mio

No se que me llevo
si fue la noche, calma y soltera
o tu mirada placentera

Pero con mi mirada, te regale
mis secretos, te abri puertas
que hace mucho tiempo habia cerrado

Espero que entiendas, que no tengo mucho
que lo mas valioso que tengo son mis palabras,
que lo mas valioso que tengo es mi amor,
Y te lo entrego.

Y quien sabra

Quizas mañana,
me estaras amando, al igual que yo a ti.
Quizas mañana,
te este regalando lo que tengo, al igual que tu.

Y quien sabra

Quizas mañana,
ni me conoceras, no te recordaras de este momento
Quizas mañana,
le diras lo mismo, a otra persona

La vida te da chances,
Y es tu llamada

Quizas mañana no te acuerdes de mi
Quizas mañana, cuando mencionen mi nombre

Temblara tu cuerpo,

Pensaras en un beso

En esa noche

Y en esa muchacha

Horrid Story of Love

It has been a while since I wrote on here, anything new anyway.
Its actually been a while since I wrote to myself, journal wise.
I mean, I have sat down, to write.
And I have wrote many things.

But no honest things.

Nothing from the heart.

Just lies. Lies. Lies.
In other words,
Facts.

The things that are happening every day.
When I am wake, when I am walking.
When I am doing the every day things.

I am a very happy person you know
And I like most of the people I meet.
But not too many people really sit down
and get to know me.

I mean, I have friends.
But over the years,
I feel as though,
I have shared, less and less of me
As I go.

Who knows, maybe its the past experiences
Maybe its supposed to happen this way.

Anyway, very few know.
The real thing.

So maybe,
I can take a few minutes,
and let you in on a little secret.

Shhhh, I'll tell you
Only if you keep reading, quietly.

A long time ago.
Long, long time ago.
(Seeing how I am in my 10's.
Wish November would hurry
so that could sound normal
and I could simply say, "20's").

I fell in Love.

This Love was the inspiration
for every single one of my poems.
Now some people know this, some do not.

Someone once told me
they could hear the sincerity in my words
when I spoke of him,
and although I never said, this one's about him,
They knew, because of that gentle song I sang
When I spoke of him.

Anyway, like every love story,
he lifted me off my feet,
and with his hand in mines,
taught me how to fly.

Made me feel safe,
when I flew right above water,
so close to it, it brushed
the tips of my hair like the wind.

Now before you get ahead of yourself,
this is not a happily ever after story,
actually my story ends dark, and ugly.

So dark.
So ugly.

I did everything in my power
to take this love story,
and flip it upside down.

That is exactly what I did,
flipped it upside down.

I then squeezed it,
stomped on it,
sent it soaring through the window
after I viciously hit it with my brothers bat.

And then there were the leftovers.

Black eyes, broken bones, shattered intestines,
and two brutally disintegrated hearts.

I can't tell you exactly how many tears I cried
But the accumulation could've been
your summer pool,
Cleaned and drained. Daily.

Now what does a smart person do at this point?

I don't know

Whatever it is they do, it's not what I did.
I got up the next day,
and everything was fine.

I laughed, and laughed.
I danced, and danced.
I told stories, and more stories.

Until I ran out of stories,
that didn't include him.

And suddenly,it hit me.

I felt my heart, being torn in two
with one of those loud machines
that they use to cut off the big trees
you know the old, fat trees.
And the men with goggles.

I felt as he was being torn, from inside of me.
As if those wings he had made for me
were being ripped from my back

I felt it all

No anesthesia
No narcotic pain reliever

Just me, on my bedroom floor

Me, and that thing, that nasty thing
Tearing me in two

And I, with no scape
I can't tell you how I bared the pain
But I can show you the scars
Maybe then you can try and imagine.

Gruesome.

Gruesome were the lies that came after that.
I continued. Said I was fine.

Who cares. Noone knew.
There was noone to explain it to.
Noone who called and asked.
That made it easier huh?

Maybe.

Quien sabra.

The days passed, the months.

I felt fine, said I, 3 months later.
I picked up, where I left off,
2 years before.

I made friends. I went to parties.
I learned about the real world, outside of home.
I payed bills, worked a 9-5
Read about Erikson's Trust vs Mistrust
About Chris McCandless trip to Alaska
About polynomial, exponential and logarithmic functions
And, I stopped writing.

I stopped writing because I couldn't find what to write about
What could I possibly write about?
And when I got desperate?

I asked me,
Where do I find the beauty I found in him?
How do I find, what I saw in him,
somewhere else?

And so I looked. And I looked.
I attempted.

The worst poem, I had ever written.
The worst lines ever combined
in the english language.

And that's all that was until now.

That's all that it was until now.

That's all it was, until I can,

Be honest with me.

That's all it was,

Until I can confess,

That I haven't healed.

No.

I've been lying to you, my reader.

I said, for you to know my pain,
I would show you my scars.

I don't have any.

My back is still dripping,
Hoping my wings will grow back.
My bones? I haven't been able to walk.

And so here it is.

Now you know a little of me.
A small part of what I have become to be.

And don't worry, friend, I'll be fine.

I know what that once you lose touch,
You must listen to your heart.
And that there is little magic left here,
because we are all scared of being alone,
and so we settle for something
that will keep us company.

And that's what keeps me strong

Knowing that, although I've been hurt,
I will not stop believing
in finding someone

who makes you feel like you're flying,
so high you can touch the sky
and your hair, is tangled up in the clouds.

Until next time,


Have a good night.

Today I began to think about tears:
Can a person cry, on top of a cry? I mean like, its not exactly considered "I'm still crying", or "I'm crying again" But another level of crying? Like a cry, on top of another cry, and the levels just keep going up, although you can't tell by the many tears? Or how long they've been running down someone's cheeks?...Can you tell which level of tears someone is crying, if they cry in your eyes? If they cry in their words?

Pablo Neruda's, "Tonight I Can Write"

Today I went to the library here in Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri with hopes of finding some good poetry, or something to open the doors to my inspiration. It worked. I found a couple of Pablo Neruda's books, and was forced to pick only two. I bought the books home, and the very first one I chose to read, amazed me; as has most of his work, but this particular one, sort of moved me. And so, I am sharing it with anyone who follows my blog. Enjoy Pablo Neruda's, "Tonight I Can Write"

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night, whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through night like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Sister Time

One Minute, Each Time

(4/4/2010 4:41 AM Original date)
I am sorry, because things are the way they are, and the way things work out. Come out? I am sorry, that I don't see your face in the morning, and I am sorry, that time is priceless, I am so sorry.

Whether sorry or not, here I am, covered in shit, and little by little, I am falling, as I am falling, I am sorry. I am sorry that things work out the way they do.

I am sorry.

Sorry I couldn't give you what you deserved. Whether my ear, my hands, or simply, my body besides yours.
I am sorry, that the answer to your million questions about me, simply, went, "I'm sorry, It's time to move"

And I am sorry I didn't have time to explain, why this had to be

I'm sorry I couldn't promise you tomorrow, because today, is not yet over

I am sorry,

To the friend, who carried my future,



I am sorry,



But they tell me to walk,
That tomorrow will bring
happiness, or maybe a bit more stability.
This is killing me and I'm not sure how you'd react,

But I am on knees, scraped laying down here.

I am sorry for the millions of things that, together we started. I ams sorry for the unfinished stories, for the drawings that were never painted. For this I am sorry, friend of mines.

My Love, My Sweetheart, This I am living without you, and for that too I am sorry. I want to be part of, what will become of me. And I, could never, determine tomorrow.

I will not promise a tomorrow, I will not promise, the same touches. But I will stand, I will stand, and I will try my best, to stay civilized.

I know in Heaven, you'll find Peace

I want to learn how to accept that I will never see your face again, at least not for a long while, and it hurts to think about it. Hector, you touched my life more than you could imagine, and in my head, I've just been hearing you calling my name as soon as you see me, no matter what mood you were in when I came in, "Wendesiiiitaaaaa." I will miss you forever, and ever, and always sexy boy. I remember our little Zara game on Newbury st. Walking down the street and pointing out Zara clothing, then arguing over some, I swore I saw the same ones at H&M and you let it slide because you knew you would win anyway, you have a better eye for these things than I do. I remember all the compliments you gave me on what I was wearing, and all the critizism on the messy stuff that I wore, on those days I didnt look into the mirror before walking out the house. I miss you Hector. I miss your laugh, your smile, your voice. Most of all, I miss the way you would slap my ass, and pinch me. Although both hurt, the slap in the ass was hella sexy I must admit. "You're lucky I love you" Damn right, I am lucky. and I'm lucky I got to meet you, and I'm lucky you learned to like me, and that I learned to like you because I know alot of people didnt. Fuck all the Newbury st customers. FUCK THEM! Newbury st, never again. If it wasnt for Mel and a couple of others, I would say fuck Zara, but my lips are sealed for now. I would've married you, if you liked my stuff....damn! I should've got a surgery :-) Hahaha that made me laugh, and I'm sure it made you laugh! You're running across my mind right now, like right this second, Hey at least I know you're getting fit. Enjoy Heaven till I get there and kick your ass. I love you Hector Antonio Medina Mejia (June 14th, 1983-June 12th, 2010) sexxyboyy <3

Left Unspoken

Your lips, have touched mines before.


And that's what I now, do not understand.



I imagine now, your lips, on mines,

And it's as if I was drowning, in a sea of you,

Your smell, lingering around me, your breath,

in my ear, as if you were really here.



Not here.



You're gone.



Your hands, once, held mines.

And I do not know who I used to be.



To think that smiles were smiles, and not a cover-up.

It has become easy to hide behind these,

I am weak behind close doors,

but wiping away, and smiling,

has become a routine.



Maybe tears, no matter how many,

won't make this easier,

But its the only way to cope.

Not because it hurt to lose you,

but hurt more losing myself.



And when you think I'm fine,

and that you're not on mind,

It's probably when you're on it the most



My life has become a puzzle

and (I'm getting used to it) somehow accostumed

When I am awake, I am dreaming,

And When I am dreaming I am awake

It's the only way for me to be, where I wanna be.



You could say one would get sick,

of living in memories,

of living yesterday, today.



But I don't.



I don't get tired of you, of I, of us.

Call me a fool, but for love, I do it all.

Because if I learned anything in my life,

I learned about Love.



Love, our friend, our worst enemy.



I laughed to myself when you tried to guide me,

telling me to stop following the human rules,

and to do whatever it is that made me happy.



If it were up to me, I would fall into your arms,

and never, ever let go.

Just look into your eyes,

simply, even if from a distance

look into your eyes



And I wish you would tell me you don't feel what I FEEL,

I wish you would tell me you dont LOVE ME,

I wish you would tell me that this is not MUTUAL,

Tell me that you're not crazy, going insane about ME,

Please, Baby, I am Begging you to tell me

That I'm the only one,

Dying with these sleepless nights,

Sleeping on damp pillows,

Not knowing when its raining outside,



The day, that you tell me this,

I will understand.



Thing is I know I'm kidding myself Baby,

Because if I learned anything in my life,

I learned about Love.

If I believe about anything in my life Baby,

It is about you and I.



So I'm here, sitting on the corner,

with wet eyes,

Like a child waiting for her mother.

My bags packed, my heart wide open

Awaiting your arrival.



And one day, I know,

We'll pull through together.

Leave this mess.

Never look back.

And together.

You and I.

Will run Away.

From this.

Together.

You and I.

Forever.

I Promise.

My 3 mothers

Mother's day is coming to an end, and I have been asked a million times about my mother.




My maternal mother lives in the Dominican Republic, I didnt grow up with her but I am in touch with her. We definately had our ups and downs but I love her, and appreciate her for bringing me into this World. As a child I never really thought about not having her around, and didn't really feel anything towards it because I had my grandmother to watch over me but as I got older feelings started piling up, and I was very confused about how I felt towards her, and whether I really did love her or not. One day I built the courage to ask her questions that were always on my mind, and though it was hard for her she answered. Since that day our relationship changed completely and I realized that whether she was with me or not, she will always be my mother, and I am lucky that she is here. I love her, and will always always appreciate her.





My second mother is my grandmother, who raised me for 9 years of my life, and took so much shit from me and my older brother, but she never gave up. I repeat, she never gave up. I have a million stories that I could tell about this lady, but she is, hands down, my favorite woman. I love her with every loving molecule in my body. Okay, I wasn't going to include this but I have to. When I lived in DR with her and my brother she gave us $$ for lunch at school. One time I thought I would take the $$ every day, but not buy lunch, so I could save it to buy something else. One day, after school, she came to pick us up and as we were walking up the stairs to the house, I dropped my book bag, and my week long's savings rolled down the stairs, my grandmother started to yell at me about where I got that $$. I told her it was mines, and that I had saved it....she never believed me, I lost my $$, and didn't eat lunch for a week. Another time, my uncles went to DR, from Boston. I was about 8 or 9, they gave both me and my brother $100, now a hundred $$ in DR is , alot, alot of $$, specially for 8 and 9 year olds. So I was super excited, I went to the store, bought candy (with dollars, because I didnt really know about the huge difference in currency) So I lost alot of $$ without knowing it. At the end of the day I took a can of soda, my favorite soda back in the day, and I rolled up my $$, my own little soda bank. Next morning I woke up, and my grandmother was in my room, doing the daily cleaning. I went to my dresser to get the can with my beautiful $$, and it wasnt there. I asked my brother, I asked this lady who worked at my house, where is my can. I went crazy, I went to my grandmother and told her the story. Turns out, she didnt know there was $$ in it, and she didnt want roaches in my room, so she threw it away, along with all my $$. LOL, I could keep on going with my stories of misery, but, no wait one more. Dont judge me, and please dont get scared, but I will never, ever forget this. One day my older brother upset me, no, pissed me off. We had a blackout (which is totally normal, every single day in DR), well I was really pissed at him, and could not figure out a way to get back at him. So seeing fire around the house gave me an idea. I took a fork from the kitchen, and put it on top of one of the candles until the end of the fork was really, really, really hot, and I stabbed my brother in the back of the neck with it. He had 4 permanent holes on the back of his neck for a long, long time. I think they have now faded away, but my grandmother was not, at all happy. =) Anyways, back to my grandmother, asides me my father, she is my favorite. She is an angel, and I am so blessed to be a part of her life, I could not ask for anyone better, and I could not imagine anyone doing a better job than the job she did. After raising her own 5 children, she then raised 2 of her son's devils. I love her more than these simple words could explain. There was never a day that I went to school with my hair undone, or my clothes dirty, or wrinkly. She ironed all our uniforms, every single day. Cooked for us, 3 times a day, every day of the week. Took us out to eat pizza on saturdays, and took us on 3 day weekends to our great grandmother's place in el Campo. She is amazing, and she is the true definition of a mother, by far. She will never read this, and I doubt she wants to learn this language so noone will be reading it to her, but you know what they say actions speak louder than words. And I know for a fact, that I dont say these things to her, but Its all there <3

My 3rd mother is my step mom who I met around december 1999. When I first met her I fell in love. She was sweet, and always knew what I wanted. She supported me in the things I did and always knew what to say. As I started getting older, I kind of lost track and saw things from a different perspective. In many occasions I said I didn't like her, and that I didnt want her in my life, this is not easy to write, specially since she actually does have FB, and could read it if she happens to snoop around here, but I have always been better at writing than speaking so maybe she's meant to read this. Anyway, we had great times. I used to write her letters with the first words I learned in English, which were "I love you." She helped me, get along with my younger sister, Kendy. Kendy and I didnt grow up together, and I barely saw her, if I did, I didnt stop and have a conversation with her, just sort of waved and said hello, I dont remember exactly how it was, but we didnt have a relationship. Anyway, my step mom helped us, and molded us, and now I love kendy more than I could've imagined. Kendy is my best friend, and knows me better than anyone else in this whole entire world, If I ever had to thank my step mother for one thing she did, I thank her for helping me, and opening my eyes to what it means to have a sister because I dont know what my life would've been if Kendy hadn't been with me. Back to the main story, My step mom was awesome to me when I was a younger, she baked cakes with us, bought us presents, toys, we did BBQ, went out on adventures, and saved us from many whoopins... lol. She was sweet, and just so cool with us. One day I guess I woke up and wanted to be a rival. I stopped talking to her completely, I stayed outside of the house for as many hours as I could so I didnt have to be there with her, I dont wanna go into too much detail because this is FB, but I was a rival. I started as a nice young girl, then turned into this mean little thing. I made her go through hell, treated her like crap. And she didn't deserve it. She never did, will never deserve that. She changed her life, to come and take care of my father, and his 3 kids. I couldn't ever imagine what woman, in her right mind, with a future ahead of her, and an education would do such a crazy thing. But she did it. She is a super woman, and she stood besides us no matter what crazy shit we did. I have never thanked you for all that you have done, and maybe I will build up the balls to thank you in person one day. But I am sending you both an apology, and a thank you that I know would never be enough. You wiped so many of my tears through the years, and you guided me when I had no answer. You are amazing, even though you really did get on my nerves sometimes, before I turned rival. I hope you can forgive me, forgive us for the hell that I know we put you through. Thank you for always being there for me, for all of us. For your thoughtfulness, and every single, tiny thing you ever did for us. I still remember the first gift you ever gave me. It was a diary. I was in DR and my favorite novela at the time was, "El Diario De Daniela" and I so badly wanted a diary, with a lock and a key. Next day, you gave me a diary and I fell in love with you. I miss you, and I love you

How to Train Your Dragon

The movie was amazing, the characters were amazing, the script was amazing, the plot was amazing, the beginning, the climax, and the end were amazing. I am adding this movie to the top of my list, right besides "Up." Hiccup and Toothless have won my heart =)

We Learn to Love Ourselves

Men just do not understand.
We learn to love ourselves.
We learn to love ourselves
Because it hurts to find someone who does.

We learn to love ourselves.
We learn to look in the mirror
And tell ourselves just how sexy we look.
Just how thick our thighs are getting
How much rounder our breasts are from yesterday
How good our legs look in those jeans

We love ourselves so hard

We learn to touch ourselves

Because man just do not understand

All we ever want or need is to be happy.
For them to perform the ritual
And take us away for a while.
Away from the million conflicts.

The chaos in the world.



Men will never understand.

We are tired of temporary happiness
We are tired of relying on those nice words
Those simple words that get us through the day
Hey, you look beautiful today
Maybe a kiss? Maybe two?


And no; this isn’t a poem of a broken-hearted

Or maybe I’m in denial

But I know it is essential for a Women to love herself
Before she can love anyone else.

By giving yourself a piece of me, You're giving me a piece of you.
By jumping off this bridge,
I'm trusting you, to catch me.
By catching me, you fall into me.
I stand beside you,
naked,
still,
with nothing to give but myself.
Wishing for late nights,
For secret smiles, and hidden jokes,
I wish to stand here,
Besides you, with you.
Early mornings, late nights,
Warm afternoons, calm evenings.
Here, besides you.
You besides me.

Sign Off

The brutality of the Truth,
The power that reality has,
Over ourselves.

Tomorrow, won't say Goodbye

Do you know what it is that we see?
That we experience? That we such get to enjoy?

The no stability, as we build out own castles,
As we mold, make, and remake,
Of what tomorrow will be ourselves,

We trip and fall
We walk away, and come back

But, it is out of our control.
The pain, of seeing our dreams, drive away,
Fly, crawl, ride, away, from our hands,
Our eyes, our touch, our souls.

The pain, of making millions of memories,
When tomorrow, they will be the end of us.

Building, and building,
So that tomorrow,
We, ourselves, destroy it,
With no control, whatsoever.

Don’t say hello to tomorrow,
If yesterday will destroy it.

Don’t say Hello, when inevitably,
Tomorrow, it’ll always be Good bye.


Is this what you are teaching me,
Is this what you wanted me to learn,
Is this what I know consider as a gift,
Is this what others wished for,
Is this what they truly desire

As I long, to stand still, on the crashing ocean waves,
How I wish that tomorrow, would be yesterday’s dream,
But as I wake up, then fall asleep,
I remember it won’t ever play the wrong way.

Heart of a World

If for some reason, you don’t understand me,
In case you didn’t believe me.
I hung on your every word,
I followed you in my dreams,
Because, that is exactly where I wanted to be:
Holding hands with you,
Examining the future,
In more than many ways, molding ourselves,
To be ready, for this.

And here we are.
Don’t meet in dreams,
Don’t meet, together.
Where, you and I, Can run along,
Hand in hand, Heart, as One.
Where we always, played together.

You, are missing in me.
Your presence, begging to be Ours,
Mines, chocking in desperation,
Wanting you, and nothing else.

The oceans refuse to move,
Refuse to whisper stories,
Refuses to communicate,
Refuses to guard what’s rightfully his.

And here we are.
Don’t meet in thought,
Don’t meet with time,
Don’t meet with distance,
Don’t meet with the heavens above.


I, like our closest of friends,
Refuse to eat away the life, of our Brother,
I, like our closest friend,
Refuses to keep what, isn’t mines.

Roll along my friend, Roll along.

Late Nights

Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 2:25am (Original date)


I couldn't catch on to the irregularity of things. That as my heart was being torn, my pencil was running out of led. As you walked away, so did my sharpener. I couldn't decipher whether that meant to fight, or to just give up, whether to stand up or hang low at this disgrace. All I knew, was that I wanted you. All I know is that I want you. I want you, I want you, and I just simply want you. Do not shake your head at me, because maybe you're disappointed, that although I promised not to make you go through this again, here I am forcing you allow me to express my ways. you've held me back for too long, and I'm starting to believe this is bad for my health.

My hands are shaking.

They never really knew went to stop.

You held me against my own will, but. Something told me to fight, something has scared you off. Don't shake your head at me. You took everything from me, every word I used for expression, every rhyme for your admiration. I am fighting myself, as I fight you.and God only knows I am tired of fighting. I am tired of holding back the things I need to say, I am tired of stepping on stones because you're afraid of falling, because you're scared you'll drown. I dont want you to hold my hand anymore, JUST SET ME FREE! Let me live. Please just let me guide my way. I will not promise you anything. I wont promise you that things won't fall apart again, but I would rather try than to watch it all pass by.

Its some type of transition.

I NEVER WANT TO STOP.

I dont want to stop. I never wanted to. You are my addiction. My problems, my conflictions. And God forbid I FALL. But if I FALL PLEASE let me drown. Let me drown in every inch of you, let me drown in your thoughts, your dreams, let me drown in your soul. Or simply, in your lips.

I am going for a ride.

Next stop, coming up.

Your lips, Oh the sweet taste of your lips. Blessed are your lips. And the secrets they hold. I DONT WANT TO KNOW. I dont want to choose the way, I dont want right, I dont want left, I just want to ride. Just take me, Do you not understand me? I SCREAM. I am yelling for you, inside, There is a STORM. Its a tsunami. Let me write you down my name, sing you a song, of butterflies, and flowers, and trees, YOUR LIPS. (sigh) who am I fooling! I am a fool. living a foolish life. foolish rules. that for one reason or another, disable me, from telling you.

the things.

on my mind.

When I close my eyes. You're sitting here. Listening, intently. as I tell you that this is real. That I feel the surreal, but it is real. that this is real. that us is real. when I close my eyes, alot of things change. you're here....with me. and hold, just hold me. then I open them, and she's sitting there with me. My friend, reality.

1/1/10

Today is the first day of the year Twenty-Ten.

On Friday the 1st of January of the year 2010 at 7:46 am, Zuri Gutierrez was born. The most beautiful baby in the world, at 20 inches, this 8 lbs blessing came to us. I cannot wait to meet you linda! I hope that you enjoyed your first day in this World. May God bless you with the best of life's gifts, family, friends, and a whole lotta love. Te Quiero Demasiado linda! The most amazing thing that could happen to any of us.