Note on Love (of course)

Original date: Sat Aug. 21, 2010

For a while, too long of a while I lost site of what it felt to like someone.
And during that long while I also forgot everything I deserved as a person.
I am very self concious. I wake up on some days, and feel as though,
everything that hasn't gone right in my life, is my fault.
What did I do wrong here? What did I do wrong there?
Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place? Maybe I'm meant to fuck up?
Like him, and her, and them.

And all it took was a simple reminder today. A simple reminder.
A simple reminder of genuinely liking someone to understand it all, once again.
To understand such a simple concept, that has been lost for far too long.
Spending time. Enjoying someone else's company.
Someone who can make you laugh, and give you butterflies.
Someone who you can sit and tell stories, you don't tell anyone else.
Someone who enjoys your attention, and your company
And not just sit with you for a couple of hours in hopes to get in your pants right after.

And don't get me wrong, I am definately not a mind reader.
And I am not an expert at reading guys.
Who knows, the whole time he looked me in the eyes
he could've been trying to picture me naked, staring up at him.
But my point is, that I felt something I haven't felt in a while.
In a long while.

I have felt so hopeless sometimes
that I go on dates with guys who I am not even attracted to.
And yes, I know I am young, I'm looking at this all wrong.
But it is human nature to want attention from the opposite sex.
It is human nature to want to give, and receive nurture.
I simply, had noone to give or receive.
Therefore, settled for less.
Settled for no butterflies,
for fake laughs
and no peace
inside.

Today doors opened for me.
These doors were covered in cobwebs, and dirt.
Much more than a simply paper towel could handle.
I felt something I felt before, something that I thought
could only be felt once, and thought it was limited to childhood.

It's not about finding a perfect person you know.
It's not about finding someone who fits your hand like a glove.
It's not finding someone who is like you.

It's finding someone who enjoys you, as much as you enjoy them.
Someone who sees you as beaufitul, right after you wake up.
Before the showers, before the make-up, before the expensive clothes.
Someone who loves you, before they have been in bed with you.
And yes, I learned, no sex before tying the knot,
is like buying a toy, without trying it out.
But I'm only referring to dating at the moment.

Sometimes people get really lucky, and meet their soul mates.
There will be no question, anywhere in your mind when you meet him/her.
But your soul mate, isn't always your one.
Sometimes your soul mate comes in, and comes out, the same way.
Maybe for a long period of time, sometimes, we're not so lucky.

We take this, and be smart about it.
We take what we learned, and we put it to play.

For those who have been in love once,
and don't know how the Hell, youre gonna get up.
It'll come along, trust me ;)

Be patient.

And for my wonderful companion of the day,
You gave me butterflies, today couldn't have been anymore perfect.
Thank you so much xoxoxo
(inspiration, from "Juno" the movie, and "Eat Pray Love" the book, and of course, my date)

Love without Boobs

She cried herself to sleep that night, but who would understand
Could you look her in the eyes, would you somehow just, begin?
Underneath her sundress, same dress she wore that morning.
There they sat, innocent, oblivious. It came with no warning.

The tears dwelled in her eyes, as she regretted her every wish,
It seemed to her like nothing but an experiment in a Petri dish.
Mom says tomorrow, it will be alright, but her scars, say otherwise
A curse handed down; a million lies, used as their disguise.

She thought back to last week, Aaron stared at her from across the room
She felt herself growing weak, he'll be asking for my number real soon.
She turned away, but wasn't mistaken as she saw his figure from the corner of her eye
A million thoughts rushed through her head that day; felt something between her thighs.

Less than twenty minutes later, that same girl sat in the girls restroom stall,
She cried asking God to please make it all go away. She was his thrall.
It didn’t take long, no, no. God granted her wish, he did the best that he could.
The nightmare began here; down on her knees wishing she somehow misunderstood.

Mammograms on day one, an ultrasound the next, a CT scan here, PET scan to be sure
The minutes went by ever so slowly, crawling and biting at her skin, everything a blur.
The word mastectomy rang in her head like the bells of a church, the hour has struck
They spoke to mama, about therapy, about time, about love, who gives a fuck!

Maybe I should’ve told Aaron, I am a proud owner of a DD, taking a look down
My nipples sort of remind me of your puppies’ nose; small, and brown.
Did you want to touch them, here and now? We could take a quick break from class
Like I told you, I am proud… I am happy…of them, my breasts, before they were broken like glass