I couldn't see a thing. the tears were flowing cascades down my cheeks. They rolled down my neck, telling stories as they rested on my breasts. I couldn't tell you my name. I was incapable of walking, of talking, of eating, of anything that is required for survival.
Weakness came knocking on my door, and I opened for her, with a jolly smile on my face, and a plate of food, asking her to stay.
Thousands of unanswered phone calls, messages gone with no reply, a door that remained locked, and a house with no sun.
Time was nonexistent, my best attempt at it was a good night at the singing birds. To wake, to silence, to empty.
I laid on the damp bed, I hated it, I threw punches, I ripped her where I thought her heart lay, but I loved her.
I loved her because she held me, and she caught my tears, denying them to go pass her grip.
I hated her. As she swallowed me, and everything I thought I was,
I hated her because she didn't understand me, she didn't feel my pain
I attempted to hurt her again, repeatedly striking her with the wet pillows.
She simply proceeded with swallowing me
sinking
sinking
sinking
slowly
slowly
slowly
I never did wander about making it stop, I merely accepted it. This was pain. Today was here, in this bed.
Maybe if I could back to yesterday, and fix everything, if only I could bring him back, ask him how he was doing. This was it, the stillness, the quiet, the darkness would take me back to yesterday, and I could then speak to him. Why Why Why, I thought this was love
Don't you understand that life is a gift, and this is what we've been waiting for? I spoke to him in that room. I know I did.
I felt a pain so intense, I grabbed at my chest, again and again. He was there. He wanted me to understand.
I can't. I can't fucking understand and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you when you needed me the most.
I, how, the fuck do I do. I rambled in his face, I just couldn't find the words. I just wanted it to go away.
I wanted to wake up, and laugh it off because everything was okay.
I pinched myself. Like I had seen in the movies. I screamed out to whoever was watching over me, I begged them to shake me,
to please scare this night time terror away. But it didn't happen. Nothing happened.
That's exactly what I felt. Nothing. Just me and tears, and pain, and sorrow, and a friend who robbed me of his laugh.
He wanted my company, and I wanted his. But our worlds were like the land and the sea. I couldn't breath, he would soon die in mines.
He slowly crawled away. So very slowly....
I tried getting up then. I fell on my knees, busted my nose, and my hands began to shake.
It felt like a movie without a script. I felt lost and didn't find relieve in anything else but those same tears.
I cried
I cried
I cried
I cried in silence, I cried as I prayed, I cried as I layed on that bed, I cried as I screamed towards heaven, I tried searching for answers in myself, but found nothing. I knew I would find nothing, until I built that inner strength, of telling myself , Get up.
I used everything I knew, everything I was, to bring myself up,
and I told myself, that I knew this was it.
I got up that day.
I got up, and I opened the door.
It wasn't easy, but it got easier.
Cry, because it is okay.
But don't let it dominate you.
Be strong, there's no other choice.
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